Spiritual growth is hard work.
I have learned in the last six years or so to allow the Spirit to lead me into topics of conversation that I do not want to explore. These are deep and difficult topics, matters of heart and soul. I can’t expect the shadows of the past, the traumas and wounds of life, the residual negative life patterns to be redeemed and transformed if I’m not willing to do the work.
I think of the Home Alone movie where Kevin has to go down into the scary, dark basement and face off with the evil furnace. We all have had scary things hiding in dark corners of our mind and soul at some point in our lives. It takes courage to turn the light on and face the things we’ve been hiding from and avoiding.
The difficult topic of the moment is the spiritual entity called shame. Shame appeared on the human scene in the Genesis account of the fall of man. Scripture tells us that Adam and Eve heard God walking in the garden and hid from him (Gen 3:8). This is the first account of the human struggle with shame.
So what is this thing called shame?
I am at the beginning of my studies on this subject. In theology studies, shame is always discussed in the section of the book on human sin. Theologically speaking, shame is a result of sin. The work of Christ on the cross is God’s solution to the problem of sin and shame. Shame in a healthy, godly sense is seen as a tool that helps guide belief and behavior.
In this conversation, I am talking about a different kind of shame. It’s not that embarrassment you feel over a mistake made. I’m not talking about guilty feelings when you’ve done something you know isn’t right. The shame I am speaking of has a more insidious effect. It is toxic to the soul. You can’t throw Bible verses at it. You can’t pray harder, believe more, or serve your way to good feelings. This kind of shame can’t be “fixed” by being more religious.
Diane Langberg is a world renown psychologist. She is a Christian who has traveled the world to help victims of trauma in places like Rwanda, Bosnia, other places in Africa. In speaking on spiritual abuse and trauma in the church, Langberg describes this toxic shame as a spiritual entity. It’s not just a feeling. It is a spiritual force in the world. Toxic shame is an underlying cause of PTSD and suicide for many people. In Langberg’s experience, toxic shame becomes evident in four forms: withdrawal, avoidance, attacking self, attacking others.
In truth, Langberg’s books are so densely packed with truth that hits home for me that I can only read them in small portions at a time.
What does this thing called shame do to a person?
To answer this question, I will relate a recent encounter I had with shame. There’s nothing logical about it. It may not make any sense whatsoever. But it was very real in the moment.
I had a conversation with someone that made a comment that felt to me like I was being politely “handled”. My input on a subject was unwelcome and intrusive. I look back on the moment now and believe it’s possible that it wasn’t intended to be anything near the way I took it. Even if I had understood the moment correctly, this would have been an out of proportion response… which makes you feel ridiculous and horrible. (Hello, shame? Is that you?)
Later at home, shame paid a visit. I refer to these encounters as the “fire breathing dragon that whispers lies in my head”. Shame feeds on fear and past traumas. It finds places of weakness and broken trust, wounds, and the things you are afraid might be true. It makes you feel so disgusting and revolting as a human being that you want to crawl under a rock and never come out. I remember the thought “I’m going to have to find a new church”. I remember many times encountering shame and hearing my own spirit say, “I can’t do this anymore”.
Contrary to many assumptions, toxic shame is not low self-esteem. It is a visit from an ancient and powerful spiritual force. It is insidious and relentless. The best word I can think to describe it is “torment”. In the moment, it feels like your spirit is being tortured. All you can do is cry out to God and beg for rescue. It’s not about self-esteem, logic, memory verses, or trying harder. It is a consequence of being in the physical world and being caught between the darkness and the light.
Fortunately for me, this particular episode was over in a day or so.
What Can a Person do About Shame?
Like I said before, I am just now beginning this journey to understand shame and its effects. This is a journey to find truth. The goal is to be mature and complete. “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4). Also, to understand in a way that will help others do the same.
I don’t have any wise or magic answers. I can only relay what I’ve learned so far.
1. Persevere. Hang in there. It comes and goes but only in short spells. It will be over soon.
2. Confess it. Say it out loud to someone you trust. Scary things hiding in darkness lose power when they are exposed to light.
3. Remember who the boss of the universe is. If Jesus didn’t tell me to hide under a rock, if Jesus didn’t tell me to find a new church, I’m not running. The boss is wise and good. He will lead me to the right place. Spoiler alert: Remember that Jesus wins in the end!
4. Stand. I had a snippet of a verse in my head and had to dig around for it. It was something about standing in the evil day. It comes from Paul’s teaching on the armor of God.
“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the evil day comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Eph 6:13).
The passage on the armor of God is overly familiar to anyone who’s been in the church awhile. I will have to spend some time thinking that over and how it would affect the subject of shame.
If you have thoughts on this subject, I welcome the conversation. Let the research begin. If you have any insight that might be useful to guiding research, I’d be grateful. If you have experience with this topic, that would also be helpful! We grow better together.
(Insert inspirational and profoundly deep Bible verse here)….. I haven’t found one yet. Got one?
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